01
Feb
When is early too early?
category: Baby LoveThis simple question is the start of a huge debate. When is it too early to announce your pregnancy??? Personally I think any time before 12 weeks is a huge gamble but if you are willing to live with the possibility of a miscarriage and having to re-announce it to everyone… then hats off to you!
As you all know, I announced my pregnancy to my family and friends at my 12 week mark. I mean a select few knew before hand (I could count them on my fingers) but I decided to wait… to be sure. (note: this is my first pregnancy)
For the longest time… pregnant friends and family members told me I wouldn’t be able to hold off and not announce it! Keep the secret for 3 months?!? “No way” they told me. Well I guess they were wrong, because I did. Why? Simple, I am dead scared of miscarriages and I didn’t want to have to pull the “How’s the pregnancy going?”… “well, I miscarried” line.
Even to this day, my family can’t even understand how I kept the secret for so long… well when you put your mind to it, you can. Honestly, I am happy I waited. Even though I’ve been blessed with a worry free pregnancy (so far) I wouldn’t of done it any other way.
So my question is this…When is early too early to announce your pregnancy?
And for those of you who have, and unfortunately miscarried… do you regret announcing so soon?
Posted by: Kelly of Glamour This!
16 comments
Personally, I’m going to try to wait until 12 weeks to tell most people, but I’m notoriously bad at keeping secrets, so there’s no way of knowing whether or not I’ll last that long.
I have a friend who announced at 9 weeks and miscarried at 10. She’s a blogger, so she’d announced online. She ended up blogging pretty extensively about her miscarriage. She’s said that she doesn’t regret announcing early because of the tremendous support from family and friends that she got, as well as the way she was able to touch others through blogging about her miscarriage. It was the right decision for her, I’m sure of it.
I agree with you. I actually had this conversation with the hubby the other day. We’re not pregnant, but will be someday, and I would definitely wait until the 12 week mark to tell anyone except him (and maybe my direct supervisor at work, if morning sickness is a factor, and i expect it will be with my family history). I am a pretty private person and I’d hate to have to deal with the grief of a miscarriage too publicly.
I am the same way as you–when I am pregnant, I think I will wait until 12 weeks to announce. I have a friend who works for a NICU and she is always shocked when she hears about people telling friends and family earlier than 12 weeks because she has seen so much heartbreak from miscarriages. A hard secret to keep, for sure, but I don’t think I would be able to handle having to explain to everyone why I am not pregnant anymore should something bad happen.
I agree with 3 months! Although I recently had this same conversation with the hubby on Friday night. He doesn’t think he can keep that big secret to himself for 3 months, especially to his family (when the time comes). And I told him he better… or I wouldn’t tell HIM, hahaha.
I agree with the 12 week mark. I am not the kind of person who feels comfortable with condolences, and I wanted to be able to grieve on my own. We told close friends and family soon after we found out as we wanted their support if something did go wrong. I think I said something on Facebook at 12 weeks. However, I am a horrible liar. When I turned down a glass of wine or sushi around friends, the cat was out of the bag! It is a really hard secret to keep!
I had a friend who announced on Facebook that she was pregnant a week after she found out. I emailed her a week later to find out she miscarried.
I know I will wait to announce it on to friends and distant relatives, but we will certainly tell our immediate family when me and the hubby find out. If I were to miscarry they could provide the support I imagine I would need.
I would likely wait until 20 weeks to tell anybody, unless I “pop” before that. Even though I’m a blogger, I’m pretty private, and there is no way in hell I want to talk to a ton of people about a miscarriage, if I can help it. Some things really are sacred and private. I know 12 weeks is standard – I get frustrated if people announce before that when they aren’t my good friend. I’ve known lots of women who have announced before that and miscarried. It just seems to make a horrible situation even worse in some cases. A few times, I’ve had acquaintances tell me (when I’m not even their close friend!) they’re preggo when they’re only 2-4 weeks along. It just makes me anxious.
It is traditional in Judaism to not announce until you “show” and at least wait until the second trimester. While we are nowhere near ready to have a family (we’d like to at least live in the same state first!), my husband and I have already discussed that we will not tell anyone until 3 months, and then tell just our parents after the 12 week mark. We’ll make the big announcement closer to 4 months when we tell the rest of our family and closest friends.
I announced at 6 weeks, and miscarried midway into my 12th week, which is a bit ironic because that is considered the safe spot.
From being an active member of miscarriage and infant loss support sites, I’ve learned that there really is NO safe zone. Plenty of women miscarry in their 15th, 20th, even their 30th weeks. It is just that the CHANCES become smaller. After hearing the heartbeat (which I did twice), the chances SIGNIFICANTLY decrease, and there isn’t much more chance of a miscarriage at 13 weeks vs 30. After having passed the 12th week mark my chances of losing the baby was less than 2%, but it still happened to me.
I really think it’s a personal decision. I am glad I announced early because of the tremendous support I received when I lost the baby. I think that for me, it would have been much more difficult to have waited, then lost the baby, because it would have made me retreat even further from the outside world.
One thing I don’t care for is that some people actually disapprove of women who choose to announce early. A “friend” of mine wrote a blog post talking about her disapproval of how my husband and I chose to announce early and my choice to blog about the miscarriage, and now I’ve cut off all ties with her. I really think that it is a personal choice and no one else has the right to judge.
It’s a personal choice every couple has to make for themselves. Some people are more private than others and would find announcing a miscarriage painful, while others might need that extra support. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way.
I didn’t tell the world until 16 weeks because we wanted to tell all our close friends in person which took awhile, and because I was really nervous, it being my first. The thought of having to deal with everyone’s well wishes if I miscarried seemed impossible to me.
On the other hand, I have to admit, it was really, really hard to hide (how come you’re not having any wine, Kasia? Um… I’m…uh… doing a cleanse..?) and I HATED having to lie to people. Lying makes me feel so dirty. There’s also something to be said for sharing those first sweet, exciting moments with your friends. It’s natural to want to share your happiness and during those first few weeks, you’re bursting with it – that and a million and one questions. Having to keep it to myself was hard.
I can see both sides of the argument and so I really think you just have to do what’s right for you.
We didn’t tell our parents until 12 weeks… and didn’t publicly announce to friends until 13… and I didn’t tell my boss until Week 17. Mr. M’s parents had multiple miscarriages, so we wanted to wait as long as we could before telling them to minimize the hurt. They weren’t calm until we hit week 18.
I’ll be honest – it’s really hard for me to be excited for people who announce early. I’m cautious in my own mind for them, and in many cases, it’s been for good reason. The facebook announcements are especially difficult for me to see at 5-8 weeks, because I can’t imagine seeing the bad announcement that has followed so many times.
Although not pregnant, and never have been, I feel the same way as you. I am too nervous about miscarriages, and the aftermath that would come should it happen. I admire those women who are willing and able to put themselves out there, but I just wouldn’t be able to do it. However, that being said, there is no way that I could wait that long to tell my mother. She, and the U, will probably be the only ones to know before we announce (whenever that time should come).
I agree that its for each person to decide what they do… I understand the whole support system, but I’m more private and thats okay too.
The only thing that frustrates me is when people who have announced early in the game (blogged, facebooked… etc) and when you mention something about their miscarriage (in a non mean way) and get angry that you even brought the “M” word up. I mean come on, I understand going through a miscarriage is hard… I couldn’t even imagine… but you can’t expect people not to mention it, when clearly you’ve made it so public. Maybe I’m not seeing it.
We are not pregnant yet, but we also intend on waiting for most people. However, I will tell my immediate family (mom, sister, dad, brother, in-laws) as I will really need their support if we miscarry. I intend on stopping drinking before we are pregnant so as to not create suspicion (we go out a lot). I will continue to tell people I’m not drinking because we are still trying to get pregnant.
I’m with you. I told my husband that whenever we decide to have kids we will be waiting to announce it…just in case. His brother & his wife announced they were pregnant before even really making sure! It has turned out well for them but I don’t want to take that chance.
There was no way we could have made it to Week 12! We told family and a few close friends right away, with a “public” announcement after everything looked healthy on an 8-week ultrasound. We did weigh the pros and cons of the announcement issue beforehand, but ultimately decided we would need our friends’ support if anything went wrong rather than suffering in silence.