From the moment I found out I was pregnant, one thing for sure, I wanted to breastfeed. It was something I was looking forward to, oh-so much. Well when Mavi was born, I was happy to find out that breastfeeding was going rather well… because he knew how to latch on the moment he found his way. In the hospital he liked all 3 breastfeeding positions and wasn’t fussy. But as soon as he came home… that all changed. Don’t get me wrong, he still latches on really well and drinks a whole lot. (hungry boy) But like I said he became fussy or should I say, knew what he wanted and didn’t want anything else. What does that mean? No more 3 positions… he only wanted 1, and don’t try and give him the right booby… he wanted only the left. I mean, it’s not something that bothers me that much… apart from the difference in boob size.
In order to keep up my milk supply on my right boob, I pumped and pumped and continue to pump, but it’s not enough to keep my milk flow going. I have milk yes, but not as much as Mavi’s favorite boob. Not even close. So ya, all this has gotten me to think a whole lot about breastfeeding, weaning and formula.
I always thought I would breastfeed for as long as I could (meaning 6 months plus) but, I don’t feel I have the same feelings anymore. I just don’t know if I want to keep breastfeeding for another 4 months (Mavi is 2 months now) Does that make me a horrible mother? Wanting to deliberatly not give him maternal milk (all the time) ? I’m sure just saying this, some of you are rolling your eyes. And the mothers who wished they could breastfeed but couldn’t, can’t even start to comprehend why I would STOP when they never were able to START. I don’t know… maybe this whole breastfeeding business is making me bitter. (I know it sounds horrible, since I am talking about my baby) But this is how I am feeling and thought I would be honest and share this with you. Who knows, maybe someone out there feels the same way, or can comprehend (a little) where I am coming from.
I was chatting with Kim about breastfeeding and when she stopped. Told her just the thought about it made me feel like a bad mother and she linked me to a MUST READ article about forumla. All of it was right on… and I felt I could relate even if I didn’t start forumla yet. But then a passage in the article hit me. Hit me, real hard. It said:
“ABOUT SEVEN YEARS ago, I met a woman from Montreal, the sister-in-law of a friend, who was young and healthy and normal in every way, except that she refused to breast-feed her children. She wasn’t working at the time. She just felt that breast-feeding would set up an unequal dynamic in her marriage—one in which the mother, who was responsible for the very sustenance of the infant, would naturally become responsible for everything else as well. At the time, I had only one young child, so I thought she was a kooky Canadian—and selfish and irresponsible. But of course now I know she was right. I recalled her with sisterly love a few months ago, at three in the morning, when I was propped up in bed for the second time that night with my new baby (note the my). My husband acknowledged the ripple in the nighttime peace with a grunt, and that’s about it. And why should he do more? There’s no use in both of us being a wreck in the morning. Nonetheless, it’s hard not to seethe“
Maybe that’s what is making me bitter, the whole fact that its MY baby and not ours. Sure the hubs does stuff with the baby and helps out as much as he can… but I can’t help but to feel bitter when I see him sleeping and I’m there, up in the middle of the night feeding Mavi. Plus, when Mavi wakes up in the morning (around 8ish) I am up, every morning, even on hubby’s days off…while he sleeps in. I don’t have days off. EVER. (well apart when my mom decides to keep him for a little while) but ya, this is a 24/7 job with no days off. So could you get up and take care of your son and let ME sleep in?!
But I have to remind myself that the hubby works day, night and graveyard shifts. All so very random and it screws up his system alot…so the days that he comes home from work, which could be 7am, 4pm or 11pm… he obviously sleeps a good 8 hours from that point. So lets say he works graveyard shift and comes home at 7am he sleeps all day (since it’s his night) I understand that, and its only normal. But I can’t help to feel bitter. I spoke to my husband about it. And like I said, he does help out the best he can. That’s why the whole formula option seems more and more appealing.Then the hubs can spend time feeding Mavi and maybe I won’t feel this way anymore. Or maybe he should just get a steady job? lol Ya, the healthcare system doesn’t work like that. But feeling this way is definitely not good for our marriage. Being bitter and all… I mean, I get aggravated really easily. I have a really short fuse.
My mother stopped breastfeeding me before the 2 month mark. I was too hungry, and even started giving me food. Yup, at two months and did people ever look at her with the most condensending eyes. Like “what are you doing? you are gonna kill your child doing that” kinda look. But she didn’t care what others thought, she did what she felt was right for me, and what was right for her and her sanity. That’s something that is important and that we tend to overlook. How the mother feels about all of this. Like an article I read on Other Pieces of Me said
” I saw bottle-feeding as one way to make the parenting ride a bit smoother and to protect my own mental health, because I think my son will benefit most of all from a happy mother“
A happy mother… those are the keywords. I don’t want to completely stop breastfeeding, just give him a bottle or two of forumla and maternal milk. But maybe Mavi won’t like that. Forumla and Maternal milk…and I think that scares me.
I can’t help but feel like I’m a failure and I haven’t even started giving him formula. WTH? Why do I feel this way?! I mean it’s not like I didn’t breastfeed. I did, I am… just don’t know for how much longer. All I want to do is give him a bottle of forumla a day. Is that so bad? Why is forumla shamed on? I mean, I drank forumla almost the whole time and I am okay, I was a straight “A” student, I’m creative and healthy… so what’s the problem?