Sep
2010
To wean or not to wean?
From the moment I found out I was pregnant, one thing for sure, I wanted to breastfeed. It was something I was looking forward to, oh-so much. Well when Mavi was born, I was happy to find out that breastfeeding was going rather well… because he knew how to latch on the moment he found his way. In the hospital he liked all 3 breastfeeding positions and wasn’t fussy. But as soon as he came home… that all changed. Don’t get me wrong, he still latches on really well and drinks a whole lot. (hungry boy) But like I said he became fussy or should I say, knew what he wanted and didn’t want anything else. What does that mean? No more 3 positions… he only wanted 1, and don’t try and give him the right booby… he wanted only the left. I mean, it’s not something that bothers me that much… apart from the difference in boob size.
In order to keep up my milk supply on my right boob, I pumped and pumped and continue to pump, but it’s not enough to keep my milk flow going. I have milk yes, but not as much as Mavi’s favorite boob. Not even close. So ya, all this has gotten me to think a whole lot about breastfeeding, weaning and formula.
I always thought I would breastfeed for as long as I could (meaning 6 months plus) but, I don’t feel I have the same feelings anymore. I just don’t know if I want to keep breastfeeding for another 4 months (Mavi is 2 months now) Does that make me a horrible mother? Wanting to deliberatly not give him maternal milk (all the time) ? I’m sure just saying this, some of you are rolling your eyes. And the mothers who wished they could breastfeed but couldn’t, can’t even start to comprehend why I would STOP when they never were able to START. I don’t know… maybe this whole breastfeeding business is making me bitter. (I know it sounds horrible, since I am talking about my baby) But this is how I am feeling and thought I would be honest and share this with you. Who knows, maybe someone out there feels the same way, or can comprehend (a little) where I am coming from.
I was chatting with Kim about breastfeeding and when she stopped. Told her just the thought about it made me feel like a bad mother and she linked me to a MUST READ article about forumla. All of it was right on… and I felt I could relate even if I didn’t start forumla yet. But then a passage in the article hit me. Hit me, real hard. It said:
“ABOUT SEVEN YEARS ago, I met a woman from Montreal, the sister-in-law of a friend, who was young and healthy and normal in every way, except that she refused to breast-feed her children. She wasn’t working at the time. She just felt that breast-feeding would set up an unequal dynamic in her marriage—one in which the mother, who was responsible for the very sustenance of the infant, would naturally become responsible for everything else as well. At the time, I had only one young child, so I thought she was a kooky Canadian—and selfish and irresponsible. But of course now I know she was right. I recalled her with sisterly love a few months ago, at three in the morning, when I was propped up in bed for the second time that night with my new baby (note the my). My husband acknowledged the ripple in the nighttime peace with a grunt, and that’s about it. And why should he do more? There’s no use in both of us being a wreck in the morning. Nonetheless, it’s hard not to seethe“
Maybe that’s what is making me bitter, the whole fact that its MY baby and not ours. Sure the hubs does stuff with the baby and helps out as much as he can… but I can’t help but to feel bitter when I see him sleeping and I’m there, up in the middle of the night feeding Mavi. Plus, when Mavi wakes up in the morning (around 8ish) I am up, every morning, even on hubby’s days off…while he sleeps in. I don’t have days off. EVER. (well apart when my mom decides to keep him for a little while) but ya, this is a 24/7 job with no days off. So could you get up and take care of your son and let ME sleep in?!
But I have to remind myself that the hubby works day, night and graveyard shifts. All so very random and it screws up his system alot…so the days that he comes home from work, which could be 7am, 4pm or 11pm… he obviously sleeps a good 8 hours from that point. So lets say he works graveyard shift and comes home at 7am he sleeps all day (since it’s his night) I understand that, and its only normal. But I can’t help to feel bitter. I spoke to my husband about it. And like I said, he does help out the best he can. That’s why the whole formula option seems more and more appealing.Then the hubs can spend time feeding Mavi and maybe I won’t feel this way anymore. Or maybe he should just get a steady job? lol Ya, the healthcare system doesn’t work like that. But feeling this way is definitely not good for our marriage. Being bitter and all… I mean, I get aggravated really easily. I have a really short fuse.
My mother stopped breastfeeding me before the 2 month mark. I was too hungry, and even started giving me food. Yup, at two months and did people ever look at her with the most condensending eyes. Like “what are you doing? you are gonna kill your child doing that” kinda look. But she didn’t care what others thought, she did what she felt was right for me, and what was right for her and her sanity. That’s something that is important and that we tend to overlook. How the mother feels about all of this. Like an article I read on Other Pieces of Me said
” I saw bottle-feeding as one way to make the parenting ride a bit smoother and to protect my own mental health, because I think my son will benefit most of all from a happy mother“
A happy mother… those are the keywords. I don’t want to completely stop breastfeeding, just give him a bottle or two of forumla and maternal milk. But maybe Mavi won’t like that. Forumla and Maternal milk…and I think that scares me.
I can’t help but feel like I’m a failure and I haven’t even started giving him formula. WTH? Why do I feel this way?! I mean it’s not like I didn’t breastfeed. I did, I am… just don’t know for how much longer. All I want to do is give him a bottle of forumla a day. Is that so bad? Why is forumla shamed on? I mean, I drank forumla almost the whole time and I am okay, I was a straight “A” student, I’m creative and healthy… so what’s the problem?
Nani
September 10, 2010 at 09:54 (981 days ago)The same thing happened to me in the begining. Sae latched like a pro, but she only wanted one side.. to make matters worse I seemed to only be able to get her to cooperate on one side. I also had a bit of bitterness with the fact that my hubs got to sleep through the night but I was up every 3 hours (like clockwork) feeding Sae.
But I will tell you, it gets better, easier, etc. In the beginning it’s hard, finding rhythm is hard. Especially when you feel it’s not equal. Also you have to do what’s best for YOU. Once you make a decision, don’t feel guilty, because it’s the best choice for you. who cares what I or other mom’s are doing. Your concern is Mavi and you.
Jenell
September 10, 2010 at 10:02 (981 days ago)Kelly, thank you for writing such an honest post. I’m going to be a mom soon myself and there’s so many things my darling doesn’t seem to get about babies, breastfeeding, schedules. It gets frustrating sometimes, considering we live in the states and there is no maternity leave. I wonder if I would be able to continue to bf after returning to work, will my employer give me the time to do it, do I have to go in the bathroom to pump and 8 million other questions! A happy mother is the best mother and don’t worry about what other people think, they don’t know what it’s like to be you. So much has changed for you since Mavi’s birth and it can get overwhelming at times. Best wishes and I look forward to hearing more about your journey and looking at the amazing projects you do!
Kelly | Glamour This!
September 10, 2010 at 10:22 (981 days ago)The thing I forgot to mention (and this is in no way bragging) but Mavi has been sleeping more than 6 consecutive hours for the past 3 weeks. So i only get up one time during the night (or should I say early morning) between 5-6:30, then he drinks and goes back to bed til about 8.
So it’s not the fact of actually breastfeeding during the night. Since I only do it once. But the bitterness is still there… more so when i wake up around 7:30-8.
Plus, I wonder if I can supply milk to Mavi with just one boob. Is that even possible? I need to read up on that.
Karine
September 10, 2010 at 10:34 (981 days ago)Don’t feel bad. I might not have had a baby but I know the preasure of Dr, nurses and society on mother. It’s like if you don’t breastfeed, you’re the devil. I personally don’t wanna breastfeed if I had kid because I absolutly hate beeing touched on my boobies and trust me if I mention that I get lots of dirty look. I think if you wanna start adding formula, good for you. And just to break that old myth that kids on formula are always sick: I’ve never been breastfeed and I am almost never sick, while my ex-boyfriend who was was always having something.
Kim @ the Event Essentials
September 10, 2010 at 10:51 (981 days ago)Kel – I 1000000% understand how you feel, but I will tell you that I had to stop breast feeding Maddi at 2 weeks because of a bad infection in both “girls”. She’s been formula fed ever since and is doing completely fine. I think the best mom is the one that takes care of her family which also includes taking care of her needs too. Because if you don’t take care of yours, how do you take care of others! You are doing fantastic!! Never a failure!! Maybe trying pumping some and storing it along with formula so he gets the best of both worlds
Jaklyn
September 10, 2010 at 10:52 (981 days ago)I do appreciate your honesty. That said, I absolutely don’t think weaning off breastfeeding will cure your obvious resentment toward your husband. You have hinted at his laziness many times in the recent past, via both your blogs and your tweets; do you really think he’ll help out much more if you stop breastfeeding?
Breastfeeding is important and it seems like you’d be better off considering other possibilities to resolve this issue before you wean a 2 month old baby. Talk to your husband! Tell him he needs to give you breaks, bond with baby in his own way and generally do his fair share. THAT will make you a happy mommy and be best for your baby!!
Kelly | Glamour This!
September 10, 2010 at 11:04 (981 days ago)Thank you for your opinion Jaklyn… I feel though that I need to explain a little further (I guess I didn’t say all in the post – will re-edit) But the hubby works day, night and graveyard shifts. So the days that he comes home from work, which could be 7am, 4pm or 11pm… he obviously sleeps a good 8 hours from that point.
So when he works graveyard shift and comes home at 7am he sleeps all day (since it’s his night) I understand that, and its only normal. But I can’t help to feel bitter. I spoke to my husband about it. And he does help out the best he can.
When Mavi would wake up 2 times a night, for the first 4 weeks. When he could, he would stay up and give him a bottle of my pumped milk. I don’t want to fully stop breastfeeding. Simply giving a bottle a forumla a day. So that the hubs can bond with Mavi that way too.
Hope it’s a little clearer.
But yes, maybe you are right on the bonding part (apart from feeding him) it might me feel less bitter that I take care of OUR baby almost 100% of the time.
Geek in Heels
September 10, 2010 at 10:56 (981 days ago)I think that guilt is something that EVERY mother experiences, and the debate of BF vs FF just makes it that much worse. I don’t think that you should feel bad. Like you and Miriam said, you can’t be a good mother if you’re not happy. I think that’s one concept that many new moms have trouble grasping — they’re so intent on being a good mom that they sacrifice their own happiness and sanity for the sake of the baby. While some sacrifice is inevitable, you can’t take care of a baby well when you sacrifice TOO much.
For what it’s worth, my mother fed me breast milk and my younger sister was formula-fed. My sister has always been healthier than me and is smarter. So while breast milk definitely has its benefits, choosing to FF is certainly not the end of the world and nowhere as bad as some people make it out to be.
Frederique
September 10, 2010 at 11:02 (981 days ago)kelly, I think that the decision should only be yours and that when you take it you should accept it fully and never requestion, but do think about it. I also heard that it does get easier, and pumping your other breast would permit the flow to continue AND suprise suprise, let hubby do the feeding. Arielle is due to be born soon, and Eric (my hub) wants to be able to feed her as well, so that when she has a good enough latch on the breast (nurses say 4-6 weeks) we will introduce pumped breast milk in a bottle lovingly done at 3am by HUBBY. That way he will share the *bitterness* of sleepless nights, have a better relationship with our child and I will ALSO get to sleep. Talk to your husband, a lot of men actually feel left out because only mommy can feed and you may just find out there is a concetions to make. If you DO give up and give formula then dont feel guilty, im just saying that you can maybe solve this simply by communicating with partner…
good luck!
Amber
September 10, 2010 at 11:28 (981 days ago)Hey Kelly!
I’m not trying to convince you bfing is best- because it’s a personal decision- totally! Just some tips for you- cutting out a few breast feedings will drastically reduce your output because it tells your body that your baby isn’t nursing as much so it needs to make less milk. This may lead to your body weaning Mavi without you knowing- since it won’t make enough to fully feed him and you’ll have to supplement. Also, pumping isn’t as effective as a baby’s nurse, so it always seems like pumping results in less milk because it just doesn’t work as well as Mavi! I’ve heard that when a baby chooses one boob over another (Super common) to always start him nursing on the one he doesn’t like, then nurse him on his fave, then finish on the other side. USUALLY (I say this with just stuff I’ve read and friends who had this happen to as backup) the baby will get used to the other side. It could be that your right side produces more and faster because that’s the side he’s always on. He’ll get frustrated probably because he has to work at the left boob, but hopefully he’ll get used to it- I think key is to never stop offering the left boob. I’m in no way saying weaning is wrong- seriously (I weaned myself as a baby at 4 months). I just wanted to fill you in on some things that might happen if you just try to nurse sporadically from one side so it won’t catch you unaware. I’m one of the lucky ones who had no issues with nursing (9.5 months and still going strong- crazy), but I think every mom has to make her own decisions. I was just lucky. Either way, I hope you find your answer!
Kelly | Glamour This!
September 10, 2010 at 11:35 (981 days ago)Hey Amber. Thanks for your input!
Ya, i give him the boob he doesn’t like first. But he doesn’t want it. I stimulate it, place him in different positions, but he won’t take it for more than 1 min. (Even less) That’s why I pump it. To stimulate it.
But maybe if I produce more milk and have enough pumped so that the hubby can give him the bottle during the day… that might also work. It’s just that my production is low on the right… and so I was thinking maybe forumla might compensate. But you are right, that my wean me naturally and I don’t want that.
Elizabeth
September 12, 2010 at 19:57 (979 days ago)Just wanted to add another perspective to Amber’s comments. I too am still going strong 9.5 months in, but I did start adding formula to the equation at six weeks. No more than a bottle a day (and sometimes not even that), but it did not affect my milk supply at all. I could go days with her having a supplemented feeding, and then switch to exclusively breastfeeding without a hitch for a day. So, although it CAN affect your production, it will not necessarily do so.
The occasional formula feeding really helped me to relax and enjoy breastfeeding (and I was one of the lucky ones who had no reason to complain…everything went smoothly and, dare I say, easily, from the beginning). I totally get where you are coming from.
Wendy
September 10, 2010 at 12:10 (981 days ago)Kelly, you shouldn’t feel bad, you should do what is right for your baby and you. It is unfortunate, we feel like we are “bad” if we don’t/stop breastfeed(ing). I didn’t breastfeed my oldest, for selfish reasons, but they were my reasons and no ones to judge. My second one I did, mainly because the 1st had allergies /asthma and I thought maybe it was my fault since he wasn’t breastfed!Guess what?? The second one has allergies/asthma and even ear tubes… it is genetics..there was nothing I could have done!
Try one or two bottles a day of formula, and let your husband be a part, while you get to do something for you. Take it as it goes, you will know what to do and what feels comfortable! Thanks for being so honest!
Amber
September 10, 2010 at 12:50 (981 days ago)Also, make sure you eat and drink enough because if you’re not drinking enough water it can cut your supply- same as eating- your body is burning crazy calories right now and needs fuel to keep feeding him! Breastfeeding is crazy, isn’t it?
Becca
September 10, 2010 at 14:11 (981 days ago)Great post – I’m glad to see people talking about this nicely because it’s SUCH a hot button issue. Obviously, breastmilk will give the best source of nutrition, but you are right, you NEED your sanity, and as someone who is at the 5-week-old mark, I absolutely hear where you’re coming from. And don’t let people pass judgment on whatever decision you make – it is yours to make, and I am sure it will be the decision that is best for your family. I’m not sure if anyone else suggested this yet, but have you tried making your husband give him a bottle for a nighttime feeding while you pump instead? We’ve been doing this for the past week or so in my house, and I think it relieves some stress for me… not that I don’t wake up to pump anyway, but something about pumping for 10 minutes vs. feeding for 30 feels like a nice vacation.
Pam
September 10, 2010 at 15:34 (981 days ago)Thank you so much for sharing, seriously, it is so refreshing to see someone being completely honest about breastfeeding and how challenging it is. i always thought an exclusively breastfeeding mom has an easy time and just absolutely loves all the bonding, but as you’ve pointed out that it has it’s challenges with the little one favoring a boob and pumping the other boob and being responsible for all the feedings makes you sometimes resent it.
my little one is about 8 weeks, and I have never been able to successfully breastfeed–she had jaundice and had to be supplemented formula, and ever since then, she preferred the bottle. so i started pumping. and even when i could get her to latch, she was never quite good at extracting, and i had to supplement her. it was a constant and tiring struggle to nurse, feed a bottle, and then pump. i had to make a decision to save my sanity, so I decided to exclusively pump. for the most part i made peace with it, but once in a while, i felt guilty that perhaps if i tried harder and kept up with it, she would have eventually been better at extracting. pumping is hard, feeling like i’m constantly tied to the pump, but i relish that she is getting breastmilk. pumping while trying to feed her at the same time is a crazy balancing act. my goal is to get to 6 months and see how i feel about continuing. thankfully, my daughter has gone to sleeping longer through the night recently, and i’ve dropped the middle of the night pump and feed, that in itself has helped my sanity. but on the positive side, pumping exclusively has allowed my husband from the beginning to help with feedings which is so helpful. he does work so he’ll do the night time feeds, but on the weekend he does almost all of the feeds, including the ones in the middle of the night. if i was exclusively breastfeeding, i know i’d be doing all of it, and that would be hard too i would think for a mom to feel she is responsible for all the feedings.
being a mom sure is amazing but it’s a lot of hard work isn’t it? dads will never understand…
Lindsay
September 11, 2010 at 15:33 (980 days ago)I’m a first-time mom and had trouble nursing my boy from the start. It was so frustrating and exhausting to have to work so hard at feeding my child, multiple times a day! And I totally had the husband resentment going, that was really tough. So we tried his first bottle of breast milk at 3 weeks, and after that he had trouble going from bottle to breast. Finally when he was 6 weeks old, I gave up on breastfeeding and began exclusively pumping. He’s now 9 months old and I have kept it up. It’s not always easy and there are plenty of days where I want to give up (it would be SO nice to have my body back to myself again!!) but I keep challenging myself to go just a bit longer. I manage to find time 3 times a day to chill out or sit at my computer and pump away (I just so happen to be doing it now!) So my baby gets the same benefits from breastmilk but is fed by my husband, and gives me a bit more freedom and flexibility. It might be worth a try for you, but only you know what’s best for you and your baby. If it’s formula, so be it! Your baby is happy and healthy, and you are a great mother.
Me
September 13, 2010 at 13:26 (978 days ago)What you’re feeling is quite common I will say. My son is now 13 months old and reading what your saying is bringing me back to old memories I was having last year. But I will tell you this, this is only a small portion of your journey in motherhood and there are so many other things you will encounter as Mavi gets older. Looking back Im just thinking how did I let it get to me, considering how my son has grown up so well now, thanks to God.
Unlike you, I had trouble breast feeding from the start. I had this idea before I had my baby that I would exclusively breastfeed, and when the time came, it wasn’t working. He wasn’t latching on and not only that, when he was, it was extremely painful and it was not working for the both of us. I was forced to feed him formula. After trying for 2 months I forced myself to go to a coach, but it was getting to be too late. My flow had gone low and even though I was connected to the pump majority of the time, it didn’t help to bring my flow back up. I tried supplements and by the time we got to the point that my son could latch on, I wasn’t making enough for the hungry boy no matter how much I tried. All in all it was a crazy roller coaster ride that didn’t go as planned. He has spent his entire year on formula, and I managed to give him breast milk from time to time for the first 4 months. Now I look back and I just think that I did what I could, but eventually I had to let go. Maybe next time it will work better, but I gave my son the best I could give him. I tried. He’s happy and healthy and has made me so happy as well–and that’s what matters. Just in the end, whatever you decide on know that the breast feeding vs. formula is such a small chapter in the whole book of motherhood that once you move on to other things, you’ll wonder why on earth you let it get to you so much to begin with
.
P.S. And if you decide to go the route of introducing some formula to him, don’t let it bother you. Just the fact that you will be breastfeeding still lets you know that you are still providing him the best, and the formula does give him what he needs too. Even if you were feeding him your breastmilk once a day only, he’d still be getting the best nutrition in the world. Take that into account.