Hi everyone! My name is Mandy, but I was also Mrs. Dumpling on Weddingbee, and some of you may know me as The OMG Mom. I get myself into a lot of trouble on a regualr basis, but especially when I was pregnant. One of my Bee friends is pregnant and she was talking about the very difficult time she was having painting her toenails…well, I guarantee it’s not as difficult as my first and last toenail-painting-while-pregnant experience.

So, to save money during my 9th month of pregnancy, I decided to paint my own toenails. Pedicures are $20 and I tip $5 (because they get out my ingrowns so well) and I was going twice a month. Add that up…..$600/year spent on getting my toenails painted. I figured I better start saving that money for diapers, butt cream (for both of us…trust me, you’re gonna need butt cream on your own hiney after you deliver…have fun sitting down.) and formula and I decided to do that during my 9th month of pregnancy. Remember when I told you about pregnancy brain? Well that shit was in full force at this point and I was doing all kinds of ridiculous stuff (like one morning accidentally putting shampoo on my toothbrush in the shower instead of Colgate….and HELLO last night’s peaches ‘n cream oatmeal).

But back to my story.

Here’s my bathroom situation…. Our house has 4 bathrooms. My husband uses the one in our bedroom and i use the one in one of the guest rooms. It’s a messed up situation, but basically I don’t like to share and I don’t like to clean up after myself, so we use separate bathrooms. We don’t even use the same shower. We each have our own. In my bathroom, I have a little black metal stool that I use when I’m putting on make-up or drying my hair because I don’t like to stand up because I’m lazy. It looks like this:

I sit on that stool and I usually prop my feet up on the counter.

Anyways, saving money meant no more pedicures. One afternoon while the hubs was at the gym I decided to paint my toenails OPI red. You know the one- the really really blood red one that makes your toes look slutty/bloody? That’s the one I wanted. So I sat on that stool, propped my leg up on the counter and started painting. Now remember, I was 9 months pregnant and 50 pounds heavier than usual and had the biggest belly you have ever seen….

So there I am, big fat pregnant ass sitting on a rickety old metal stool with my leg on the counter, trying to bend over and reach my big swollen foot.

uh oh….what is that wobbling…..whaaaaaaa…..

BAM!

And I hit the floor. The freakin’ stool buckled underneath my weight.

At this point you might start feeling sorry for me and wonder if I got hurt….Oh, boy DID I.

Down I went onto the tile floor and down with me went the OPI red. Not only did the glass bottle break and spill out onto the WHITE bathroom tile, but it somehow flung itself across the room leaving streaks of red on my mirror, the white bathrobe I was wearing and the bathroom rugs. I quickly scurried to pick it up before it could spill out anymore, but I managed to drop it yet again, only this time the rest of it spilled out on my leg.

*PANIC*…..no, not because I was worried about the baby (i knew she was fine), but because my husband was about to be home and there was red nail polish EVERYWHERE and I was all out of nail polish remover to clean it up. What was I going to do??? Well, kids…I put on my t-shirt and maternity shorts and hobbled it down to Walgreens on Pecos and Wigwam to get more polish remover. Let me paint this picture for you, shall I?

There I was, about a million months pregnant and running into Walgreens with red nail polish streaming down my leg…from the TOP of my leg….and yelling at the 17 year old manager to GET ME SOME FREAKIN NAIL POLISH REMOVER RIGHT FREAKIN NOW if he wanted to live to see his 18th birthday. **Blank stare, cough** “Yes, ma’am…(trembling)..ok, ma’am..right over here, ma’am” “are you ok, ma’am”

WHY are you calling me MA’AM?? Get me the stuff so i can go!!!

I’m sure it looked like I was giving birth right then and there, what with the red polish looking like blood and my belly being so large and me hee-hee hoo-hoo’ing my way out of there, but whatever. I needed to get this crap off my leg and off the bathroom floor, walls, mirror and rugs before the hubs came home.

So i get home and basically soak my bathroom in nail polish remover and get everything out except the stains on the rugs. I really didn’t think it was safe for me to soak my pregnant leg in acetate solution, so I googled how to get nail polish off your skin and decided to sit in a warm bath and let the paint chip itself off. OMG that took forever, so I started rubbing and scratching it off. Well, now my leg looked like it had been beaten to death because there were still big splotches of paint and now there were big red marks (almost bruises) from me rubbing my skin raw trying to get it all off to go with it.

I had to get out of that bath and get to Target to replace the bathroom rugs, like NOW, if I wanted to save myself anymore embarrassment from the hubs (who also told me I wasn’t allowed to paint my own toenails anymore the week prior). So I got the polish stained ones and put them in the washing machine to pretend like I was washing them to buy myself some time. I got in my little car, raced over to Target and demanded that THAT 17 year old manager point me in the direction of the bathroom rug section so I could buy a replacement. OK, great…they don’t have one like what we had…so I had to buy something totally different. I’ll just say I was redecorating (how’s that for saving money?) and got these nice new rugs. Yeah, Good idea, OMGmom.

I got home, switched out the rugs, made sure all the evidence of the great red nail polish fiasco was gone and went on about my business.

Everything was working out and the nail polish did finally come off of my leg. Awesome.

Hi honey! What do you want for dinner? Ok..I’ll call it in. Hey, can you throw some of my stuff in the washer with yours? Thanks.

Whew…I was in the clear. He’ll never know.

***OH SHIT***

“Honey, why are your bathroom rugs covered in red nail polish and sitting in the washing machine?”

Operation Cover-up:FAIL. I forgot to get rid of the old rugs. CRAAAAAPPPPP……

Imagine how embarrassed I was when I retold the story about how I was bending over to paint my toenails and hit the floor because the darn stool gave out…..

The moral of this story, my friends, is to stop being a tight-wad and pay someone else to paint your toenails if you’re pregnant. That, and if you want to show your face again at Walgreens then you shouldn’t assault the 17 year old store manager. (But really, he should not mess with a pregnant lady with blood-paint streaming down her leg. Just sayin’)

In addition to this fiasco, I’ve also peed myself in public, accidentally got drunk when I was 9 months pregnant, and passed out at Banana Republic.  Being pregnant was not a great 10 months for me…..